8 Ways to *Not* Make a Freelance Friend

Last post, I talked about the benefits of having freelance friends--which made me realize I should talk about how to make them. Or better yet, talk about how not to make them.

I've found the easiest way to connect with another writer is face-to-face, whether it's attending a writer's conference, a workshop, or other freelance-oriented event. You either "click," or you don't, and it's the fastest way to get to know someone. But what about connecting through the virtual world? Emailing another freelancer is the easiest way to connect, as long as you avoid these eight mistakes:

Don't ramble. Don’t get into your life story, or even recap the highlights from the last decade. Include a line or two about what you're doing now; long, wordy paragraphs about your entire history or attempts at freelancing overwhelm your recipient and aren’t likely to be read.

Don't email "cold." Don't contact someone without explaining why you're getting in touch. If you have an "in," use it. Do you follow the person on Twitter? Did you just read her new novel and enjoyed it? Are you familiar with the person's byline?

When I get an email from a stranger that starts with something like, "I read Goodbye Byline (Kindle edition) and loved it,” I’m definitely going to continue reading. (If the person is really smart, he writes, "I bought Goodbye Byline and love it." See the difference?) You want to make the best impression possible.

Don't ask for too much. I'm always happy to answer a quick question, like "What kind of headset do you use?" or "If I haven’t received a contract from an editor who assigned a story, what should I do?" or "How much do you charge for reprints?" But when I don't know you from Eve, asking me to read through your book proposal or suggest names of agents for your project or write a book with you is over-reaching.

Don’t ask to meet. I just got an email from a writer who wanted to take me to lunch today or tomorrow to "talk about some writing projects." Um, no thanks. Number one, I’m booked today and tomorrow. In fact, I'm booked all week. Number two, you're not offering me a free lunch. You're actually asking me to give up something valuable--several hours of my most productive (and extremely limited) work time. If you email someone and he wants to meet in person, he’ll suggest it, believe me. Otherwise, assume that your relationship will be through email.

Don’t pester. I recently got an email from a freelancer who had contacted me back in September with a question about today's freelance market. She wanted to let me know what had happened with her career in the meantime, and I was delighted to hear from her. But if she was emailing me every few days, I'd get annoyed real fast.

Don’t assume. Like I said, I get lots of emails, and I reply to all of them...eventually. Don’t assume that just because you haven’t heard from someone, you've blown it--she’s probably just behind on her email. Email her again, please. (I just found an email from four weeks ago I forgot to respond to, which inspired this point.) At the same time, if you’ve attempted to make contact several times (let's say three or four), and have received no response, it's time to cut bait. Further attempts at contact are akin to stalking.

Don't get mad. I send a personal reply to every personal email I get, even if it takes me a few days (or longer) to get it. But the "spoon-feed-me-please" notes (i.e., "I know you're a freelancer and I want to freelance too--how do I get started?") get a polite, "general" response suggesting some excellent freelance resources. I can't send a detailed response to every email I get, or I'd have no time left over to actually work! So don't take it personally if you don't get an answer. It's not you--it's them.

Don't be selfish. When you contact someone, even with a quick question, you're asking for something valuable--their time. So offer something in return, even if it's only to say, "I'd really appreciate your help and will be happy to return the favor." That makes a good impression, and makes it more likely for you to get the response you seek. Plus, it's just the right thing to do.

Readers, what do you think? Do you reply to emails from strangers seeking advice? What's your take on connecting with other freelancers?

5 Good Reasons For Freelancing Friends

Forget the cliché of the writer toiling away in his or her garret. Writers need other writers. And if you freelance, writing buddies aren’t a bonus--they’re a necessity.

While I love my non-writer friends (they’re great for serving as sources as stories!), my freelancing friends offer me something special. And you when you connect with other freelancers, you receive more than friendship in return:

Business advice. If I’m struggling to decide whether to take my career in a new direction or take on a particular book project, for example, it helps to bounce it off another freelancer. Many of my freelance friends have been self-employed for as long as I have, or even longer--and they may provide insight that I don’t have—or help me see that while a particular gig may pay well, it’s not moving me toward my long-term goals.

A keen editorial eye. Most of the work I do is relatively easy to write, and I don’t have other writers read my stuff before I turn it in. When I write an essay, however, I welcome feedback from a friend like Sharon Cindrich, who is a talented essayist. She’ll give my piece a read-through and an honest critique--something I can’t always get from a non-writer friend. Her opinion improves my work.

New markets. When I was going through a work drought several years ago, my friend Sam Greengard gave me the name of an editor at msnbc.com. I dropped the editor a quick note introducing myself, and a month later, he called to assign me a 700-word piece. I wound up writing several dozen pieces for him. And when my friend Kris Rattini moved to Shanghai years ago, she quit working for her trade magazine clients. I asked if I could contact one of the publications and use her name, and snagged an assignment within a week.

Commiseration. As both a freelancer and a mom, it seems like I’m always juggling both roles. I’m fortunate to have not only fellow “mom friends” whose kids know mine, but fellow freelancing parents as well. No one understands the dual role I play--or the guilt I sometimes experience as a working mom--like another freelancer going through the same thing. My closest freelancing friends don’t live nearby, but we stay in touch through email and phone calls.

Connections. When my editor at Random House called to tell me about a new parenting book project she needed a writer for, I suggested two good friends of mine, Sharon and Kathy Sena. Both happened to be fantastic parenting writers, and out of all of the possible choices, they wound up as the finalists for the book. Neither had written a book before, but Sharon got the contract and has written three other books since then. Being able to help a friend—and my editor—is a wonderful high and helps good things go around.

Developing true friendships takes time and a true connection--it doesn't happen just by commenting on their Facebook status or following them on Twitter. But it's more than worth the time and emotional effort. My freelance friends have done more than introduce me to new markets and helped improve my writing--they’ve helped me celebrate the ups of my career and negotiate the valleys as well.

Bottom line? Don’t try to go it alone--make an effort to make connections that can turn into lifelong relationships. You--and your career--will benefit.

Readers, do you agree? Do you find freelancing friends critical to your success and happiness? And if so (and I bet the answer is yes!), how so?