Query Critique #2: Is this a True-Life Feature or a Service Piece?

Hi, readers, and welcome back to the latest Query Critique, and thanks to all who submitted queries. You'll find the first query critique here. My comments appear below in blue: 

Dear (Editor's name),

Sandra hadn’t given much thought to becoming a mother. She was 29 years old and married for only a few years, so she felt she had time to ponder that question. The closest she had come to contemplating motherhood was when she agreed to be guardian to her sister’s daughter. When her sister died unexpectedly, there was no more time for the musings of motherhood—it was full immersion. [This lead covers a lot but lacks specifics. A few things--first off, use Sandra's last name so it's clear she's a real person. I'd also like to know how old she was when she agreed to be her niece's guardian, and what happened to the niece's father. Also, how old was her niece when her mother died? What does Sandra do for a living? Give us more info about Sandra so we know more about her.] 

“Lessons in Guardianship” is the story of a loving aunt turned reluctant mother. Readers will learn about the challenges that come with becoming a parent overnight to a grieving child, especially when Sandra's own family members don’t think she's the right choice. [Interesting and I'd like to know more about the intra-family conflict going on.] Although Sandra was committed to honouring her sister’s wishes, she cautions anyone in a similar situation to reflect deeply before agreeing to the guardianship of someone else’s child. “People have to get over the honour of being asked, it’s definitely not like being asked to be a bridesmaid.” [I'm not sure whether this story is going to be a true-life feature or a service piece. It sounds like it's a little of both, which usually doesn't work.] 

In addition to Sandra’s experience, the story will walk the reader through some of the emotional and financial considerations when accepting to be a guardian, such as long-distance relocation (Sandra lived in another part of the country) and the $235,000 it costs [according to? source?] to raise a child to eighteen—not including college or university. Her story will inspire and provide insight to parents who are not quite sure how to broach this topic and to those who are considering taking on such a commitment. I estimate about 1500 words for the piece but I am flexible and open to suggestions. [It sounded at the beginning that this was going to be a true-life feature but now it sounds like a service piece. That's fine--the writer can still use Sandra as the lead for the story or as anecdotal source, which will probably be easier to sell than a true-life feature anyway. Or she could write the service piece with Sandra's story as a sidebar--or flip it and write a true-life feature about Sandra's experience and accompany with a service sidebar. Make sense?] 

I am a freelance writer with a flare [flair] for turning personal stories into everyone-can-relate experiences. I have done an initial interview with Sandra [good], whom I came to know through a writing project [unnecessary] and I have published several pieces in parenting magazines [such as? names?] and would be happy to send them upon request. 

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you.

I think the writer has a solid idea, but needs to decide which direction she's going to take to sell this idea. Another thought--what about some stats? How many adults agree to be guardians of children? How common is it to have to step in as a guardian? These kinds of stats--showing how likely this issue is to affect readers--can help the editor say "yes" to a pitch. 

Readers, what do you think? Agree or disagree with my comments? 

**Coming up: a new salary survey. And thanks to all who continue to buy Writer for Hire: 101 Secrets to Freelance Success. It sold more copies in December than any month so far! :) 

The Query Critique Month Continues: A Profile Query

Welcome back to the Query Critique Month. (You've got until June 11th to get your queries in!) If you missed them, check out the YA novel query and the Second Act Parenting query. 


Our next query pitches a profile--or possibly a true-life feature (see below). My comments are in blue:  



Dear Editor,


It was a normal day in February when Suzie heard her phone ring. Answering it, she was told there had been an accident. She would need come to the hospital right away. “Is it one of my children?” she asked, afraid to hear the answer. She was trembling now. Her husband had gone to pick up the kids at school, and should have been home by now. She heard the voice on the other end of the line tell her to please hurry, and something about shock trauma. She put down the receiver, numb, and grabbed her keys, running out the door. [Gripping lead, though I would tighten the writing a bit. I also want to know what year it is, and I would use a last name here to make it clear this is an actual anecdote, not a "made up" one. New writers sometimes make the mistake of making up anecdotes to illustrate a story--which, obviously, is not okay! I would also include the woman's age.] 


Hope Through Healing will tell your readers the story of that horrific day when Kevin Lawyer, husband, dad of six, kindergarten Sunday school teacher, and much loved orthodontist, died immediately after colliding with a truck head on. Kevin left behind a grieving wife and six children, all under the age of 11, including two sets of twins. How does a spouse go on after experiencing such a loss? Not only did she go on, but she is finishing up her Master’s degree and already has a job waiting as a counselor working with children who have experienced trauma. Her children are thriving, and Suzie is an inspiration to everyone who meets her. The article would be approximately 1,200 words, though I could easily tighten it up or expand it to meet your needs. I can also include photographs. I could have the article to you within 30 days of acceptance. [Put "Hope Through Healing" in quotes as it's the working title, first off. And this story isn't really about the day he was killed--it's about the transition his widow and family went through. I want to know several things that are missing here. When was he killed--i.e. how long has it been since he died and how old are her children now? And get rid of the cliche--"inspiration to every who meets her." Come up with a different way to phrase that concept. 


This story could be a "true-life feature," highlighting the whole story of what happened, or a profile of Susie herself. And profiles are tricky. A market may not always be interested in one person's true story, but would be interested in a story that shares the experience of several--for example, profiling three women who lost their husbands unexpectedly and bounced back. (See my comments on the Second Act Parenting query.) If you're going to pitch only Susie's story--and nothing wrong with that--I'd like a little more detail in the query about her joureny. I feel like we're getting a very brief overview of the story when showing more drama will help catch an editor's attention. Make sense? 


I like the fact that she's given word count and told the editor how much time she needs to write the piece, and offered to provide photographs.]


I have written for several magazines including a monthly column for Living Out East, as well as Mommy Magazine, Baltimore’s Child and The Old Schoolhouse. I have a personal relationship with the Lawyer family, so have complete access to any information I may need, including a recording of the phone call mentioned above. [Nice ISG, first off. But the "personal relationship" part is tricky. The editor will wonder whether you can write an objective piece, considering your relationship or friendship with Susie? If this were me, I would say something like, "I've already contacted Susie and have her permission to share her story with you if you're interested" or something like that. And if she's a close friend, IMO, you must disclose that to your editor. 


So I've pitched and written a profile of the daughter of a someone I knew, but I wouldn't have done that if she were my best friend. Make sense? Other writers may have differing opinions--please let me know--but I'd say you do need to disclose whether you have a close or business relationship with a source.]


Thank you for your consideration of this article. I look forward to hearing from you.


Sincerely, 


Readers, what do you think? Do you agree with this critique? What about pitching a piece about someone you already know? How do you handle that? 



**Finally, one of the reasons I do critiques and post templates on my blog is because I've always found it helpful to have a model to follow, whether I'm writing a query, a LOI, an invoice, or even a "pay-or-die" letter. My new ebook, Dollars and Deadlines' 10 Essential Freelance Templates (Smashwords version) includes 10 essential freelance templates together, with an explanation of how to use each; it's invaluable if you're a new freelancer. Want a guide to the business side of freelancing? Then you'll want to read my new book from Writer's Digest, Writer for Hire: 101 Secrets to Freelance Success.


And stay tuned for more queries! 

8 Tips for Writing True-Life Features

Chances are your day-to-day life isn’t all that exciting. That’s one of the reasons true-life features remain a staple of magazines, newspapers, and websites. We love to read about other people’s lives, especially when they have a fascinating story to tell.

As a writer, however, there’s more to finding, researching, selling and writing true-life features than meets the eye. In addition to excellent reporting skills, you must have the ability to tell a good story, and put your reader in the subject’s Crocs, heels, or sneakers to master the genre.

Here are eight tips for writing true-life features:

1. Separate Stellar from So-so Stories
While everyone has a story to tell, most of those are not saleable stories. In other words, the person herself, the inherent drama of her story, and the market you’re pitching to will all determine whether your pitch will sell. There has to be real drama, and a somewhat unique angle, to sell it.

2. Consider the Market

Often, but not always, the subject of a true-life feature will reflect the readership of the publication. Think about it. Sports Illustrated runs features about athletes who have overcome the odds to stellar careers; college alumni magazines run features about their noteworthy alumni; and parenting publications include stories about parents who have faced some kind of child-rearing challenges.

3. Break the Query Rule
When pitching a true-life feature, include enough details about the story to give the editor a sense of its inherent drama and why readers will be interested in it. In this case, I go beyond my usual four-paragraph template to make the case for the particular story.

4. Get Face-to-Face
If you’re writing a simple service story (e.g. “10 Ways to…”), you can do all of your interviews by phone or email. For true-life features, though, a face-to-face interview is preferable. You want to be able to observe the person's body language, gestures, and environment to provide details that will make the story come alive.

5. Ask Every Question
Don’t be afraid to ask “obvious” questions that remain unanswered. For example, if a young woman was being stalked by a former boyfriend and she didn’t call the police, ask why not. Maybe she’d called them before and they’d said they couldn’t do anything—or maybe his father was chief of police in her small town. The more questions you ask, the more information and detail you’ll have about the story.

6. Record your Interviews

Even if you’re an excellent note-taker, recording your interviews is essential. You may want to videotape to capture even more detail. During your research, let your subject(s) know that you may be back in touch with follow-up questions.

7. Write a Story, not a Report
Before you begin writing the story, review your transcripts, videotapes, and any other information you gathered while researching the piece. Remember that a true-life feature should tell a story that includes a narrative arc, not just report what happened. Details will make the story come alive.

8. Close with Confidence
When it comes to ending the story, use as much care as writing the lead. Don’t just stop—look for a twist, insight or quote showing how this experience changed the person to close the piece. That will give your story—and your readers—a sense of resolution.

***

Want to know more about true-life features? My popular book, Ready, Aim, Specialize! Create your own Writing Specialty and Make More Money, includes a chapter on writing profiles and true-life features as well as chapter on nine other hot nonfiction specialties.