Query Critique Week: Shyness Query

Welcome to Query Critique Week, and thanks to all my readers who submitted queries. While I won't be able to include them all, I appreciate you submitting your ideas.

Our first query is a pitch to Parenting (though it could work for just about any parenting magazine). My comments are in blue. Overall, I think it's a good idea but the query is too long, could use more specifics, and needs some judicious editing. Here it is:

Dear Ms. Fernandez,

I have been one of those moms. I have sat perched by the door of the ballet studio and waved reassuringly to my daughter during her ballet lesson. I have stayed at birthday parties to help my child feel more comfortable socializing and I’ve hosted numerous play dates at my house. [I like the lead but I'd add a little more to the last sentence; e.g., "and I've hosted numerous play dates at my house to make it easier for my children to make friends."]

Finding a babysitter that my kids were comfortable with was a struggle of legendary proportions. I know I’m not alone. There are legions of us out there – the moms of shy kids who are no longer adorable toddlers. [I'd probably cut this paragraph; or work the idea of millions of shy schoolaged kids into the query in one of the next two paragraphs.]

Our society pushes kids at a young age to get out and get thrown into new situations – from Santa at the mall to preschool for everyone. [I don't like the phrase "preschool for everyone" but I like the concept of pushing kids, even those who are "slow to warm up." I'd develop a little further.] But as they get older, the challenges increase. Grade school kids can’t climb into mom’s lap for a hug. Parents need to actively teach their older children coping techniques, more than avoidance tactics, to help smooth the way for them to make friends and adjust to new and uncomfortable situations. [I'd change to "Grade-school-aged kids" can't just climb into mom's lap for a hug--not that they'd be willing to, anyway" or something a little punchier. I like the concept in the last paragraph but would add some specifics--like what kind of uncomfortable situations?]

In the past 30 years, experts estimate that shyness has increased in children. A study done by Lynne Henderson, Ph.D. and Philip Zimbardo, Ph.D. of The Shyness Institute at Stanford University reveals that while in 1982, 38% of fifth graders said they were shy; today those rates are as high as 61%. And people don’t necessarily outgrow shyness. Nearly 40% of adults suffer from chronic shyness, that is, shyness poses a problem in their lives. Shy students are often afraid to ask a question in class or play games on the playground. Shy adults tend to have a more difficult time finding a job or going on dates. It’s important to help kids learn good coping skills early on. [Good research here, but I'd change the first sentence to something like, "Despite all those texts and Myspace postings, experts estimate that shyness has increased in children over the past 30 years." The rest of the paragraph shows strong research, though I'd like it to flow a little better; it's reading a little pedantic to me.]

I’d like to write an article titled, For the Love of Shy Kids: Being Shy isn’t a Disability but You Can Help Them Feel More Comfortable. This article will give parents concrete techniques for appreciating a shy child’s point of view and helping the shy child navigate new situations. I’ll explain how to recognize and embrace the positive aspects of shyness and how, by allowing your child to be who they are naturally, parents are removing the anxiety trigger that brings on shyness. Some concrete tips for how to help shy children adjust include those same reward charts that worked so well in preschool. And by helping children develop a natural interest in an activity, they gain confidence and meet people with whom they feel comfortable. I’ll also talk about the importance of getting to know other kids their age and how parents who get involved and learn their classmates and their classmates’ parents can be a big boon to their child. [I'd cut "I'd like to write an article" and get right into the pitch--e.g., "My article, "TK" will give parents concrete techniques..." The working title/sub is too long--make it shorter and punchier. And while the rest of this paragraph has good info, I'd tighten it a bit and make it more specific if possible. Are there studies, for example, that show that outgoing kids do better in school than shy kids, etc? Back it up with research when you can. And tell the editor where you think the story belongs and how many words you estimate for the piece.]

I plan to interview Dr. Carducci, director of the Shyness Research Institute and professor of psychology at Indiana University Southeast. He has been studying shyness for the past 30 years and has written numerous books on the topic, including Shyness and The Shyness Breakthrough: A No-Stress Plan to Help Your Shy Child Warm Up, Open Up, and Join the Fun. I will also interview Dr. Stephanie Mihalas, the founder of The Center for Well-Being: Psychological Services for Children, Youth, and Families in Los Angeles, and an adjunct professor at Pepperdine University. In addition, I will offer real life insights from parents of shy children as to what works and what doesn’t. [This is good, but again I'd tighten a little bit. Shows that you've done your research though; nice.]

A potential sidebar could be “When to worry about shyness,” which would look at when shyness becomes debilitating and problematic. According to Dr. Lynne Henderson, director of The Shyness Institute at Stanford University, shy individuals are frequently physically self-conscious and report having negative thoughts about themselves and others in social situations – seeing themselves as inhibited, awkward, physically unattractive, unfriendly and incompetent. I will offer up some suggestions, such as relaxation techniques, role playing and exposure therapy, along with resources for parents to help their children cope with everyday life. [It's always good to suggest a sidebar but I'm thinking that a lot of this would probably be included in the main story. And I feel like you're going into too much detail here for a sidebar, which tends to be fairly brief.]

I am a frequent contributor to Chicago Parent and my writing has been published in more than 45 regional parenting publications, including Atlanta Parent, San Diego Family, Montreal Parent and Portland Family. In addition, I write and edit weekly stories for an edition of the Chicago Sun-Times. I have attached some recent clips. [This is fine, but remind the editor of your experience as the parent of one or more shy children and how that will allow you to bring a unique perspective to the piece.]

I look forward to hearing your thoughts or questions.

Sincerely,

***Readers, what do you think? Do you agree with my comments/edit suggestions? For a whole chapter's worth of first queries from new freelancers that sold, and why, check out my book for newbie magazine freelancers, Ready, Aim, Specialize! Create your own Writing Specialty and Make More Money (Kindle edition).

Stay tuned for more queries...

Too Depressed to Write? That's no Excuse...

If depression is hurting your productivity, check out The Renegade Writer's interview with Julie Fast, author of Get it Done When You're Depressed. It's a great Q & A and includes tips that are relevant for any writer who wants to boost his/her productivity.

The Query Critique Week is Back!

Remember last year's query critique week? Well, it's back...I'll be critiquing query letters on my blog next week. I've written hundreds of queries, and edited hundreds of others for freelancers, and I know what works.

Want personalized feedback on one of your pitches? Here's how to play:

1. Send your nonfiction query to kelly at becomebodywise.com by Monday, April 18, 2011. Make sure you put "Query Critique Week" in the subject line.

2. Cross your fingers and hope that your query gets picked to be critiqued here on my blog. (I'll only be able to choose a few.)

3. Tune in next week!

That's it! For a look at the queries from last year's query critique week and my feedback on them, check out these posts:

Fitness pitch

Swiss chard pitch

Street harassment pitch

Memoir pitch

Declutter pitch

By the way, if you wrote one of these queries last year, please let me know what happened with it!

**All of my books on freelancing include plenty of templates to save your time--and help you sell more of your writing.

• New to freelancing? Then start with Ready, Aim, Specialize! Create your own Writing Specialty and Make More Money (Kindle edition), which contains 20 successful query samples, including a whole chapter of my former students' first queries that sold!



• Serious about freelancing? Then you'll want to read my classic, Six-Figure Freelancing: The Writer's Guide to Making More Money (Kindle edition), which covers everything from having a business mindset to working efficiently to building relationships with clients.



• Want to branch into ghostwriting? Then check out my newest writing book, Goodbye Byline, Hello Big Bucks: The Writer's Guide to Making Money Ghostwriting and Coauthoring Books (Kindle edition), which includes LOIs, bids, and contracts.

The 24-Hour Rule and Why it Works

I've written before about the importance--and power of--setting specific, performance-related goals. At the Annual Writers Institute this weekend in Madison, I shared with attendees one of my most effective specific goals that I used as a fledgling freelancer--the 24-hour rule.

You'll find more about the 24-hour rule in Six-Figure Freelancing, but here it is in short:

Within 24 hours of receiving a rejection, or "thanks, but no thanks" (what I call a "bong") from an editor, I would do two things. First, I’d resubmit the query to another market; I call this a "resub."

Second, I’d send a new query to the editor who had rejected me, starting with language like, "Thank you very much for your response to my query about women and weight-lifting. While I’m sorry you can’t use the idea at this time, I have another for you to consider." Then I’d include my new query.

The 24-hour rule transformed each rejection into two new opportunities. Getting my original query idea out to another possible market (typically a national magazine) increased my chances of selling it. But even more important, getting back in touch with editors immediately helped me build relationships even before I’d written for them!

As I said this weekend, when you go to the Gap to buy a new pair of pants, and the first pair are pleated pants that look terrible, the salesgirl doesn't say, "'K, bye!" She brings you more pants to try on. So be the Gap salesgirl, and keep bringing the editor more pants.

Finally, the 24-hour rule also eliminated the question of "what should I do now?" after receiving a bong. I didn’t get derailed by a rejection; I simply applied my 24-hour rule and kept going.

If you're freelancing part-time or you're swamped with work, 24 hours may be too ambitious. Maybe a 48-hour or 72-hour rule will work better. But the idea is the same--that you give yourself a specific amount of time to resub your original idea and pitch a new idea to the editor. A rejection isn't really a rejection--it's two new opportunities for you as a freelancer.

Make the Leap: 8 Ways to Break into National Magazines

One of the questions I hear frequently from freelancers is about making the leap from smaller, regional, and/or trade magazines to national magazines--the "biggies." Here are eight ways to help you make that leap--which may not be as difficult as you expect:

1. Give the editor something she can't find on her own. Don't live in NYC? That's a plus when it comes to pitching article ideas. When you come up with an idea--say a true-life feature on an amazing (and "below the radar") person in your community, that ups the odds you'll get the assignment--or at least attract the editor's attention.

2. Show her you "get" the biz. The majority of pitches national mag editors receive are from would-be writers and/or magazine readers, not from serious freelancers. You fall into the latter category, so demonstrate that fact by querying (not sending the complete manuscript--rookie mistake!).

3. Start with FOB. Many established freelancers don't bother with FOB, or front-of-book, pieces because they're so short, which means you face less competition. And editors at national magazines are more willing to assign an FOB piece to a writer lacking national clips. After you've proven yourself with a couple of FOB articles, you're much more likely to be able to nab a longer piece from the market.

4. Pitch a round-up. Round-ups are pieces that include a lot of different people's opinions/experiences, and they're a pain to write. Showing an editor that you're willing to do that kind of legwork sets you a notch above other freelancers, who may not be interested in writing this type of story.

5. Think "uniquely qualified." As a newbie freelancer, all of my first assignments were articles that involved subjects I had some personal experience with--that's one of the reasons they sold! Remember to highlight the ISG in your query, and pitch a story that you have unique experience with or knowledge of. Once you gain more clips, you can pitch other ideas, but you're trying to get those first few national clips, remember?

6. Follow up. Editors at national magazines are busy, and often don't reply to queries. A short, professional follow-up is essential to breaking in with the biggies. Follow up on every pitch, and you'll boost your chances of getting an assignment.

7. Keep pitching. I've written before about the importance of having an idea in your pocket. You want to have one for each national market, too, because if you get rejected, you're going to pitch again, using language like:

"Thank you so much for your recent response to my query about TK. While I'm sorry you can't use it at this time, I have another for you to consider:

[new query]

If you've read Six-Figure Freelancing or Ready, Aim, Specialize, you know I used the 24-hour rule to crack national magazines including Fitness, Woman's Day, Family Circle, Marie Claire, and Shape. That simple strategy kept me pitching--and those pitches eventually resulted in assignments.

8. Be brave. One of the biggest reasons freelancers don't write for national magazines is because they don't pitch them! I'm serious. Don't be afraid to reach for the "big boys." The only way you'll get an assignment from one of them is if you're bold enough to try.

Talking Taxes: Tips for Freelancers

If you've read Six-Figure Freelancing, you know I divide writers into two groups--those who write because they love it, and those who do it for the money. If you fall into the latter category (and I bet you do if you're reading my blog), you should be tracking your writing-related expenses as well.

According to Uncle Sam, you must report—and pay taxes on—any income you receive. When you operate as a business, not a hobby, you're entitled to deduct legitimate business expenses, reducing your tax burden at year's end. If you’re writing with the intention of getting paid for your work (and I hope you are), you have a profit motive in mind. You don’t have to be freelancing fulltime nor writing solely for the bucks to have a profit motive—the fact that you get some kind of psychic reward from your work doesn’t count against you. Going for the green is a factor the government considers when deciding whether you’re a legitimate business.

In fact, having a profit motive (and treating your freelance career like you have one) is more important than actually making a profit to the IRS. In other words, ending up in the red doesn’t mean your deductions will be disallowed. However, if you don't make a profit and you're audited, the burden will be on you to prove that you're conducting a business, not pursuing a hobby. So, what can you deduct?

According to the IRS, all "ordinary, necessary, and reasonable" expenses that relate to trying to make a profit in your business. For freelancers, that typically includes:

• PC or Mac used for business;


• Software/programs used for business;


• Office supplies (i.e. paper, business cards, pens, envelopes, and the ubiquitous Post-Its);


• Phone line used exclusively for business (your first or home line is not deductible);


• Membership fees for professional organizations;


• Postage and mailing expenses;


• Internet access; and


• Travel expenses related to business.

You may also be able to take a home office deduction if you use a section of your home solely and exclusively as your place of business. Having a home office still allows you to work in other locations—say at Caribou Coffee—but you most only use your home office for your writing work. Then you can take a percentage of your rent or mortgage interest and utilities as an expense at the end of the year as well.

Even if you're making little money, it's smart to keep track of your writing-related expenses and maintain receipts for them. Once you do start collecting nice fat checks, those receipts can help reduce your tax liability. Keeping track of them helps supports the fact that you're in the writing business, not a hobbyist, should you get audited. And if any questions arise about deductions, you’ll have proof of what you spent, and when, and why.

You may want to talk to a tax professional about how to set up a record-keeping system. Just remember it needn’t be anything fancy—I keep my expenses in a notebook and then store the receipts in a folder in my office. I don’t necessarily need a receipt for $5 worth of mailing expenses, but if I ever get audited, I should have no problem backing up my deductions.

And remember, you've got two weeks until your 2010 taxes are due, on Monday, April 18, 2011. I hope that 2010 was a great year for you and that 2011 is even better!

Six Tips for Getting the Most from Writers' Conferences

In the coming weeks, I'll be speaking at/attending the Annual Writers Institute in Madison; ASJA's 2011 Writers Conference in NYC; and the OWFI 2011 Conference in Oklahoma City. If you'll be attending a writers' conference this year, here are six simple "dos" and "don'ts" to keep in mind:

Do: Dress like a grown-up.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. "I’m a writer! It’s my words that matter, not how I look!" Not anymore. At a conference, you’re meeting with agents, editors, and others who can literally make—or break—your career. You don't have to break out a suit and tie, but business casual is a good bet. Publishing is a business, after all—you should appear to understand that fact.

Do: Prepare your pitch.
You’re spending time and money to attend this event. If you’re planning—or hoping—to make a connection with an agent or editor, you’d better think about what you’re going to say in advance. Practice what some agents call your “elevator pitch.” That’s your book or article pitch, summed up in a line or two that you could spit out in the time of a brief elevator ride. If you find yourself rambling past 20-30 seconds, work on it until it’s smooth, tight, and practiced.

Do: Speak up.
Chances are that the person you most want to connect with isn’t going to seek you out during the cocktail hour to ask about your writing background. That means you have to make the first move. Don’t be afraid to ask a question of a presenter during the Q-and-A period after a session or introduce yourself afterwards. (Just don’t become a stalker or editor hog as discussed below.)

Do: Network with other writers.
Sure, editors and agents may be on the top of your list, but don't forget to be friendly with other writers. I've made important connections and sold thousands of dollars worth of work thanks to other freelancers I've met at conferences. Swap contact info at the conference and follow up with people you'd like to stay in touch with through email or sites like LinkedIn and Twitter.

Don’t: Stalk your prey.
Editors and agents expect to meet writers at conferences. That's one of the reasons they're there. However, you shouldn't relentlessly pursue your target throughout the day until you can force him or her to listen to you. A brief into and polite inquiry about what the person is looking for is acceptable; following someone into the bathroom or interrupting his dinner is not.

Don’t Be a leech.
There are some at every conference; they're the writers who glom on to an agent or editor and refuse to let the person go, even while others are waiting patiently (or not so patiently) for their turn. Don’t monopolize someone’s time. It’s better to ask if you can follow up after the conference. Then do it.

There are hundreds of writers conferences throughout the U.S. (you can search Shaw Guides for topics, locations, dates, and agents/editors). Conferences can not only help you hone your skills, but can also help increase your chance of getting published and provide opportunities to make valuable contacts with editors, agents, and other freelancers.

I speak from experience: in 1997, my first year of fulltime freelancing, I attended Chicago Editors & Writers/One on One. It was the first time I'd met other freelancers, and meeting them--and seeing that they were making good livings as self-employed writers--gave me the confidence and inspiration that I could do so, too.